It’s been about a month since I last wrote about my roommate – my breasts and how they affect my body issues and gender identity, and just my overall sense of being in my body: Breasts, body issues & gender identity
Since then, I have supplemented my gym routine (calisthenics, weight training, cardio, pilates and swimming) with healthy eating. And I’m very proud to be able to say that despite falling off the wagon over Ang’s birthday (ALL the cake was consumed), I got back on and have surprised myself with my resolve, my tenacity and perseverance. As my friend Tyler would say, the G-Force has been strong with me.
In the last month I have sidelined my closest companions – chocolate, high-GI carbs – and the results have been incredible. I’ve lost 5kgs, but more importantly – as I’m building muscle – I’ve shed 6cms each off my bust, waist and hips. A quarter of the way to my goal 🙂
And this loadshedding has been astounding for my self: I’m feeling stronger and fitter than I ever have, I’m doing things with my body I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do, I’m more confident inhabiting and being in my body, and the fact that I’m doing something about my discomfort with my body and breasts really helps with the gender dysphoria. The roommate is taking up less space, being less troublesome and I’ve taken on the dominant role in our relationship, making it so much easier to co-habit.
Now that I’m modifying my body myself I feel less anxious to get top surgery. In fact, I’ve come to realise through this process and through speaking to other gender non-conforming friends that I don’t want to have top surgery, because then I would pass as male. Despite my large breasts people still Sir me and I’m comfortable with that because I have a female body and I am both male and female, and their misgendering of me despite the female markers on my chest simply confirms society’s over-reliance on completely arbitrary gender markers. But if I were to have top surgery I would pass completely as male – something that I’m not; something that would negate my complexity. So for now my journey with the roommate, my body and my identity is one which I’m enjoying being able to modify through my own determination and discipline, and the sense of ownership that gives me over my self is priceless.