Today is the three-year anniversary of my decision to call myself an artist, to live as an artist and to consciously go out and make art, and also the anniversary of the related decision to change my surname to reflect this decision. I can honestly say I have never been happier, and that the ‘create or die’ motto is true for me. In celebration of what I have created, including myself, here’s to more Beauty, Truth and Creation.
I can honestly say, without melodrama or exaggeration, that art, making art, creating myself and approaching everything creatively, has saved my life. It has proven to be the only antidote to my addictions to others, love, people-pleasing and co-dependent relationships. These things made me so, so small. They annihilated me. Art has provided me with a medium to undo most of the damage done to me, and, most importantly, the damage I’ve done to myself. And it’s a constant process of renegotiating and redefining who I am in relation to who I was, and who I will be, without limits. In addiction, I allowed myself to inhabit a very small space in the world, and the world itself was very small in relation to me. Since deciding to Live Life Large, to Write Life Large, I have grown so much, metaphorically and in so many other ways – the connections I have made since connecting to me have created a world I love, people I love, a self I love.
My former self really is a shadow of me, and that former self would never have been able to dream of the life and self that I now inhabit, the happiness that I truly feel. Schmaltz, schmaltz, I know, but without gratitude, there is no measuring stick, no growth, no way forward; and I am truly grateful.
It’s really cool to read through these old blog posts from three years ago and to reflect on where I’ve come from, where I’m going… Aluta continua!
It all started with renaming myself…
which then started a reflection about my ability to play, to perform, to create, myself and other things,
and the decision to perform my identity, my self, to live as an artist and as an art work.
And a reflection on why I’ve always found it difficult to play, and a commitment to re-learn, re-member to play.
Thank you for following this journey. You have no idea how much it means to me.