PHOTOLOG: Pre-T – Embodying Best Self

Unlike so many of the trans*guys and non-binary peeps on T who populate my Instagram feed, I have a lot of weight to lose (around 20kgs/44pounds). This means my dysphoria is not only around the gendered aspects of my body but the fact that I feel stuck in a body that is not mine on so many more levels.

For me it’s not just about taking T and losing my hips and developing muscle. It’s not just about having top surgery so that I don’t have to wear a binder. My binder just makes them smaller, it doesn’t hide them. So while I’ve said that this transition is about more than the body for me, it is also very much about the body, because I truly feel trapped. As one of my favourite writers, Terry Pratchett said, “Trapped inside her was a skinny girl and a whole lot of chocolate.”

When I envision my process it looks a lot like this:

IMG_7194

Pre-T Stats
Date: 9/10/2015

  • Weight: 102.1kgs
  • Muscle/Fat ratio: 22.2%:54.9%
  • Bust: 116cm
  • Chest: 103cm
  • Waist: 108cm
  • Hips: 123cm (over stomach), 121cm over hips)
  • Bicep: 41cm
  • Forearm: 31cm
  • Thigh: 58cm
  • Calf: 39cm

Needless to say, it’s very, very difficult posting these photos. We all edit the photos others see of us – making sure we get it from the best angle, hiding that double chin. This is me, uncensored. And that’s fucking painful.

I’ve avoided taking these images for over a week now. I wanted to get the pre-T me on camera so that I can see the progress I’m making. Why? Because there is no progress without looking back to where you’ve come from. And because T changes things so slowly, I wanted to be able to see those changes from the outside, not just from the inside. Because I know this can get very frustrating as most of us on T want the changes to happen immediately. And also because without that progress there is no gratitude. Anyway, here goes…

IMG_7163Two years of gym have paid off,
just not nearly enough as much as I wanted it to…

Facial hair

Head and shoulders_13.10.2015

Profile_Head and shoulders_13.10.2015

Torso_13.10.2015Please excuse my culturally-appropriative underwear…

Bicep_13.10.2015

Back_13.10.2015

Full body_front_13.10.2015

Full body_back_13.10.2015

Profile_Full body_13.10.2015

Forearm_Underneath_13.10.2015

Forearm_Top

Thigh

Calf

I can’t wait until this is a record of who I used to be…

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6 thoughts on “PHOTOLOG: Pre-T – Embodying Best Self

  1. It is already who you used to be.
    The pictures (as all pictures of yours that I’ve seen) are beautiful.
    I lost some weight in the process of accepting my transness – and I found that when I lost weight it made my dysphoria worse (all before top surgery) because I could see my curves more clearly – and I began to understand the connections between carrying the weight and looking (to myself at least) more masculine/less feminine/less pretty. I’m struggling to keep the weight off – but top surgery made a huge difference for me.
    Weight is complicated. Let T do it’s thing. Looking forward to more posts.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for sharing, Jamie! I’m sure that the weight gain has to do with the feminine body – I started gaining weight as soon as my breasts developed. As for dysphoria getting worse, it already has, because now that I’m on T and my body’s about to change I can finally allow myself to feel the discomfort more fully. I’m so glad the top surgery has helped! Thanks, dude!

      Like

  2. Pingback: Week 1 on Testosterone: T Diary | life writ large

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