Unlike so many of the trans*guys and non-binary peeps on T who populate my Instagram feed, I have a lot of weight to lose (around 20kgs/44pounds). This means my dysphoria is not only around the gendered aspects of my body but the fact that I feel stuck in a body that is not mine on so many more levels.
For me it’s not just about taking T and losing my hips and developing muscle. It’s not just about having top surgery so that I don’t have to wear a binder. My binder just makes them smaller, it doesn’t hide them. So while I’ve said that this transition is about more than the body for me, it is also very much about the body, because I truly feel trapped. As one of my favourite writers, Terry Pratchett said, “Trapped inside her was a skinny girl and a whole lot of chocolate.”
When I envision my process it looks a lot like this:
- Weight: 102.1kgs
- Muscle/Fat ratio: 22.2%:54.9%
- Bust: 116cm
- Chest: 103cm
- Waist: 108cm
- Hips: 123cm (over stomach), 121cm over hips)
- Bicep: 41cm
- Forearm: 31cm
- Thigh: 58cm
- Calf: 39cm
Needless to say, it’s very, very difficult posting these photos. We all edit the photos others see of us – making sure we get it from the best angle, hiding that double chin. This is me, uncensored. And that’s fucking painful.
I’ve avoided taking these images for over a week now. I wanted to get the pre-T me on camera so that I can see the progress I’m making. Why? Because there is no progress without looking back to where you’ve come from. And because T changes things so slowly, I wanted to be able to see those changes from the outside, not just from the inside. Because I know this can get very frustrating as most of us on T want the changes to happen immediately. And also because without that progress there is no gratitude. Anyway, here goes…
I can’t wait until this is a record of who I used to be…