Realised today that my depression has so much to do with disgust at self. It’s a lesson I keep having to learn: no matter how much I’ve learnt to love myself, there is always some measure of self loathing that I have to fight.
My depression and Obsessional OCD bears witness to that, and it’s a difficult and painful reminder that there’s so much work to do and no amount of medication or therapy in the world can counter self hatred, especially that born from sexual (or any other form of) abuse. And, as difficult as it is to admit, not even living my truth and living authentically is enough to keep self-hatred and depression at bay.
As a survivor of sexual abuse, my obsessional OCD manifests itself in me seeing myself as a disgusting, perverted sexual predator, someone who is a constant threat to everyone around me. I worry about being left alone with children, that because I was abused as a three year old I’ll do the same thing, and every time I come into contact with a new person, and even throughout my relationship with them, I need to navigate my sexual feelings towards people, or in most cases just the worry that they worry that I’m a sexual threat.
And this is ridiculous, because I know I would never approach anyone without consent, could never hurt anyone the way I was hurt. But that’s Obsessional OCD – the completely irrational and unfounded beliefs about one’s self born from self-disgust.
Apart from the usual symptoms of self-disgust for me (oversleeping, overeating, not showering, eating junkfood and not gymming – depression), my Obsessional OCD has manifested itself recently in the obsessive compulsive videos that disgust yet fascinate me* (I’ll share the type of videos at the end of the post. If you’re an obsessive type, trigger warning that you might want to skip the end of the post in italics). It got to the point that I couldn’t sleep without watching a video. I’ve realised that this disgust is an externalisation of my own disgust.
And the source of that disgust? Abuse victims blame themselves. They believe they caused it. Did something to attract the abuser. Working through that myth is essential to recovery. I was sexually abused by at least 10 people from the afe of 3 to 30. So it was not just a once off. If it was just a once off I could blame the pervert, the fucker. But 10+ fuckers? I’m the common denominator. I must have done something. I must be perverted. I must be disgusting.
I need to work through that…
All (everything) I can do is counter it with small (huge) acts of self love: get up before 11am!, eat breakfast!, gym!, shower!, do something every day that’s more than avoiding self (watching series), and feeding my body with food that doesn’t add to the self disgust.
#depression #selfhatred #ObsessionalOCD #OCD #mentalhealth #transMentalHealth #trans #transgender #FTM #nonbinary
*Trigger warning: videos I watch – Dr Pimple Popper, cyst removal, jigger and mangoworms