6 Days after top surgery: Self-care is hard, even when under strict surgeon’s, therapist’s and psychiatrist’s orders… The Best psychiatrist, Dr Careen Rascher of MySexualHealth (new one – gave myself permission to fire transphobic Dr of 20 years), gave me a gentle ass-kicking today. I’ve had to tuck the Superman cape into my compression vest.
One would think major surgery would be a “you need to rest” no brainer, but my “I can’t let people help me and make them go out of their way for me” apologising for breathing syndrome makes it SO difficult for me to self-care, and I default to self-harm.
Self-harm, as a cutter and burner survivor, is so subtle. Not resting, not taking Dr’s orders, lifting my arms, shopping bags, 5kgs of pool chemicals and simple things like moving in ways the surgeon told me not to is, to put it bluntly, really counterproductive. Even when undergoing a life-saving surgery to heal, I self-sabotage and self-harm.
Always a recovering addict. Always and forever learning to heal, recover, self-care, self-love; to remember: I am enough, I can take up space in this world, I am worthy; #breatheinbreatheout and own it.
But there are recovery buddies and emotional support animals who remind you to rest and self-care, and rest with and comfort you when you do… Love you, Lily.
And Bianca Kourtney Minnaar, housemate and friend extraoirdinaire, ek’s baie dankbaar en lief vir jou.
And a reminder froma Spoonie, MandyPants:
We know this, but we don’t KNOW it, emotionally. The brain vs. the heart is a dangerous and murderous divide.
The issue is when the person that tells you you’re not enough is you – the internalisation of so much abuse… But working fucking hard in therapy on that. I know about that voice. But I think the key is to take it moment by moment and learn to pat yourself on the back mentally for the small victories.