International Non-Binary Day

Yesterday was #internationalnonbinaryday. Proud to say that I’m as different and similar as these two selves look, and that I’ve retained the best parts of the me on the left. They/Them, because I am proud of the contradictions I embody. Being non-binary is not a belief in nothing. It’s a belief in everything. A willingness to experience the limitless possibilities in being human. #nonbinary #genderqueer #genderfuck #genderfluid #postgender #agender #genderunicorn #nonbinarypride

Advertisements

Being non-binary is about more than gender. It’s a way of life.

A good start to a much longer conversation, but a great opportunity to remind people: I may look male. That doesn’t mean I am. I am as uncomfortable being seen as male as I was uncomfortable being seen as female. I am non-binary.

It’s a difficult space to inhabit as someone who feels most comfortable presenting as masculine, but feels uncomfortable being seen as a man. But that discomfort is infinitely preferable to the discomfort of being seen as “a” gender, and all the assumptions that come with being that gender.

I am proud of having lived as a woman for 37 years. I am proud of having lived as a lesbian for as many years. I am proud to be transgender. And I am proud to be non-binary. It is not an identity. It’s a way of life: tearing down any and all binary thinking within myself.

I am not a trans man. I have not transitioned from one gender to another. I am on a journey of embodying a queerness that makes it easier to express that queerness in my sexuality and all other relations with other human beings, including myself. With queerness meaning an openness to never-ending possibilities in terms of ways of being, and ways of being with others.

No one can take any of these lived experiences away from me. So, a reminder: “Do I contradict myself? Very welll then. I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes.”

And for people who say stop with the labels: Until we live in a world where people do not see gender and see with their hearts and not language, I’ll continue to fight the good fight with words.

#nonbinary #nonbinarypride #queer #transgender #trans #Transmasculine

Eating disorder, depression & 2018

I have a confession. One I’ve been wanting to share since July. One that not sharing has made me feel like a fraud and a liar.

After coming out of the worst of my nervous breakdown (from January until July-ish), I have still been very depressed. The not going out, not brushing teeth, not showering, not having a single word in my head kind of depression. And it always specifically manifests in one way: Eating and exercising.

Not working out directly relates to my food addiction, and I haven’t been working out consistently since my breakdown in February. I’ve gained about 8-10kgs (too scared to weigh myself) and just feel so, so angry at myself and disgusted with myself. And then xmas that brings with it all the excuses to overeat. I know I just need to get back into the gym and things will start falling into place.

But I just can’t. It’s as if the self-loathing and determination to change my body are at war and the self-loathing is just a more familiar feeling.

But: if self-loathing is causing me to hurt myself, then being gentle with myself is the answer. Here’s to a gentler to Germaine 2018.

Sex while trans, with another trans person

Last night I had sex with a trans man. I thought a lot about whether I should post this. But: fuck it, it’s part of my journey and trans bodies are sexual and sensual bodies too. I’ve been attracted to masculine trans, queer and non-binary people since I started exploring my gender. Last night was incredible: being with a person who gets it all; being with a person with the same queer body who wants that body pleasured in the same way that I do. The best I can compare it to was when I was lesbian and had sex with other lesbians: it’s a home-coming; a spiritual and not just physical experience; a completely affirming experience. It was an experience nothing short of life-changing; an experience that’s difficult to have in South Africa as there are very few masculine trans, queer and non-binary people in my area, and none on Grindr. Thank you, New York!