Why I’ve been avoiding relationships

https://youtu.be/EFLZCZZQowA

Advertisements

Eating disorder, depression & 2018

I have a confession. One I’ve been wanting to share since July. One that not sharing has made me feel like a fraud and a liar.

After coming out of the worst of my nervous breakdown (from January until July-ish), I have still been very depressed. The not going out, not brushing teeth, not showering, not having a single word in my head kind of depression. And it always specifically manifests in one way: Eating and exercising.

Not working out directly relates to my food addiction, and I haven’t been working out consistently since my breakdown in February. I’ve gained about 8-10kgs (too scared to weigh myself) and just feel so, so angry at myself and disgusted with myself. And then xmas that brings with it all the excuses to overeat. I know I just need to get back into the gym and things will start falling into place.

But I just can’t. It’s as if the self-loathing and determination to change my body are at war and the self-loathing is just a more familiar feeling.

But: if self-loathing is causing me to hurt myself, then being gentle with myself is the answer. Here’s to a gentler to Germaine 2018.

Sex while trans, with another trans person

Last night I had sex with a trans man. I thought a lot about whether I should post this. But: fuck it, it’s part of my journey and trans bodies are sexual and sensual bodies too. I’ve been attracted to masculine trans, queer and non-binary people since I started exploring my gender. Last night was incredible: being with a person who gets it all; being with a person with the same queer body who wants that body pleasured in the same way that I do. The best I can compare it to was when I was lesbian and had sex with other lesbians: it’s a home-coming; a spiritual and not just physical experience; a completely affirming experience. It was an experience nothing short of life-changing; an experience that’s difficult to have in South Africa as there are very few masculine trans, queer and non-binary people in my area, and none on Grindr. Thank you, New York!

Smile once in a while

And all her friends tell her

She’s so pretty

But she’d be a whole lot prettier

If she smiled once in a while

`cause even her smile

Looks like a frown

She’s seen her share of devils

In this angel town

***

Fake it ‘til you make it. Trying. Been trying for a while now. Still struggling with depression since I came out of the major depression in July. Really wish it was easier. And I see the sadness in my eyes, and hope you don’t. But I know you do. But you seeing it doesn’t make me feel any less alone.