In the spirit of “secrets make you sick”, I’m getting real with myself by getting real with you, because it’s easy to avoid stuff when I’m in my own head: For the last 6 months or more
– I have had two days of work a week and I’m really struggling financially, with my income being R5,000 short of my budget.
– I sleep 14 hours a day.
– When I’m not sleeping I’m watching series, movies or aimlessly scrolling through social media.
– I shower once a week.
– My flat is a mess and I don’t clean often enough.
– I’m not exercising or eating healthily.
– Apart from a friend once a week and my therapist every two weeks (Skype), I don’t get out of the house and have no human contact (all my own doing).
– In short, I’m wasting my life.
The frustrating thing is I’m not hectically depressed, and I know exactly what to do to get out of this slump. This leads to self-recrimination and self-flagellation, telling myself I’m lazy and that there’s something wrong with me.
I know that I’m a person who does very well with a strict routine. I flourished at school and university where guidelines were imposed. I now realise that it’s not that I’m lazy or that there’s something wrong with me. The issue is that I struggle, and have always struggled, with self-regulation. I never learnt the skill of being by myself, filling my days and life, and self-imposing routine.
These are things I need to learn. It’s that simple and that difficult. It’s a relief to realise that I’m not at war with myself, but at war with an emptiness born from skills I never learnt. It’s a relief knowing I can teach myself these skills by implementing the structure I crave.